redjawsdrop.

dear me,

2012-01-13T15:50:00.001+08:00

cause' i see sparks fly whenever you smile.

Happy birthday to me ! ♥

ok hi people, guess going to school really changes mood eh? haha, that cheongjiaming say i look v pale today since morning. and i'm likea hyper girl now? xD i guess, just guess he hasn't gotten over what i did to him just two months ago? :/ sorry boy, i still love u awww. hahaha. chey, just joking ok.xp.

okay, went schol and chionged the iloveyou + sorry card for ms mandy as i got to school early. got woken up by CHERYLOW that major loser and got ready early, at the same time, feeling damn weak. so, while walking to school, could totally feel myself almost falling to the ground alr.. then went to school and got big hugs from aisyah, rasyiqah, joelin, etc. haha, thankyou girls! got spammed text by pri sch babes. was talking to mr desmond the whole of pe lesson cause i couldn't do anything. /: nvm, then he talked to me bout vb, which ok nvm, don't wish to talk about it... english was next and stuff, then geog and recess. then art, was boring though, form tcher contact time was worse. dozing off alr, till towards the end everyone sang the birthday song for me. hehe aww so touched. xD k then, eunice, syafiq and roseryani came to my class just to wish me happy birthday ! ^^ sad thing is midzi & co. disappeared. ): nvm.. ok , still waiting for pearrrs to come knocking on my door. so long alr haven't received any call from her /: howhow, going to 4pm alrrrr leyyyy. haishh. kuaidian laaai. hahah okay, shall go bathe now, stinkyyyy me. buaiiii.

JOVINA PHUAAAAAAA ; when are u going to give me my 4year in a row presents ?!?! hahaha, meetup soon yaw, loveee youuu. ♥

JOLYNN ANGGGGGGG ; hi dajie! its okay i still owe u ur birthday present tooooo. take ur time okie. haha, love youuu muahhh. ♥

GRACE CHANGGGGG ; MIRROR IMAGE ! test still text me ?! LOL. later tcher fail u then come blame me ah huh. hahahaa. okay, u owe me one. xD see u tmrrr! :D ♥

DORCAS LEEEEEEEEE ; HI PEAR PEAR. yesh, its ur best friend's birthday today haha. no la, no money. LOL, faste come my house nowwww!!!!! be waiting for uuuuuu. love uuuuuuuuuuu . :* ♥

BABY ; hi baobeii, got anything for me not? xD hehe, sorry i only can meet u at night uh. don't sad okie. i still love uuuuuu. ♥ *hugs

you ; it's my day, you've yet to wish me. guess you've forgotten about it? hm, its alright. hope you're doing fine. (:

2012-01-12T15:39:00.001+08:00

everytime i read our old conversations, i realize how close we used to be...

so, wearing fake smiles on ur face actually makes u more prettier than with ur real one?

sometimes i really wonder am i really on ur mind. i really wonder if u actually wanted to put me first in ur life, which was soooo unbelievable... i really dk if i made the right choice to accept u again. i wonder if u really care bout how i feel. i really really don't wish for history to repeat.

i really wonder, am i that unworthy ? perhaps so, i guess. i've got lots to tell u, i just don't know how on earth to express it.

yes, now and then i still think of him, how we used to be, how much i miss him. at least i don't neglect u.. its just how i feel i guess. i should maybe just get lost...............

second day of giving school a miss. i really need to buck up, not only in my studies, but also in my emotional aspects. have yet to do 'iloveu + i'm sorry' card for ms mandy which is due tmr.. howell, get on with it.

drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain.

a letdown.

2012-01-11T19:35:00.004+08:00

u make me wander off into a complete strange place.

been having wild thoughts ever since page one of 2012.

life didn't start off well in 2012. and i know its not gonna be a good year ahead.

got drunk on the first day and well, i thought it was the best start ever. at least i didn't have to think so much about what's gna happen after school starts on the first day of the year. but ohwell, it didn't make a difference. had a hangover for three days and yup, was going all crazy. I have seem to be a changed person. i don't feelyk i am me anymore. this week's thoughts of the week totally struck me, though school no longer has gems of life every morning alr.. its kind of wasted, i want to have 'em. student's voice will be held in class no longer on wednesday's morning assembly. sigh, no more exciting school programmes alr.

"Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming."
Jim Rohn

and yeh, guess God, u're trying to like, speak this into me? okay, i should just stop all my nonsense. i'm a complete changed person, i hate the new me, i suck. i feel depressed. i'm useless. i ain't needed.

i want u to know how i feel. u don't seem to understand me at all. i have failed as a person. idk if i have made the right decision or not, but i know maybe it is. because at this time of my life, i shouldn't be doing all this.

i'm sucha a let down. what have got into me? idk. won't somebody just kill me. i don't belong into this world. i've let everybody that looked up to me, think so highly of me down.

i'm a failure in life.

gave school a miss today because of the new me, the failed one, the letdown.

all these tears i'm shedding are crocodile tears i guess? ..

selfless&heart wrenching devotion.

2011-12-09T00:10:00.001+08:00

okay hi back to blogging ! :D okay, been weeeeeeeeks since I blogged. ain't gna blog much as I'm using iPod. but yea, also cause nothing much to blog about at all. D; oknvm. so basically I spent almost everyday rotting at home, other than gg for service on Saturday and celebrating pastor's birthday.. I think I didn't go anywhere on Sunday right? yea, if im not wrong. then went to watch already famous at jp with Dorcas! then spent the night at her house till Wednesday. went to shop on Tuesday morning and helped to tend the shop. had jimmy monkey's baked potato for breakfast? Damn, freaking nice okay. and dorcas was gg crazy over the handsome guy lol. So, we cam whored in the car on the way while on the way to jp to have our lunchhhh~ it was quite late alr actually, then went for lg afterwards and we were, late. Lol. had discipleship after lg with svv, Anson, Ck and Joelyn. Awesome time, making so much plans and after covenant day next January, we're going to somewhere to have something! :D ahh, it's meant to be a secret. Hehe, so bus-ed back to jp with shanyao , Ethan and Dorcas. damn suey, while walking back to Dorcas' place I trip and fell over a drain and I have like a cut in my leg now. ouch. went back and bathed. was damn sleepy alr so slept early. wished him 7th month before sleeping ! Hehe ^^ ok woke up at 2 plus on Wednesday and ate abit then sat beside Dorcas in the computer room, still damn sleepy lo. but we ended up watching you're the apple of my eye on YouTube cause jiewei was suppose to treat us on tuesday but still in the end we kena bombed cause of his stupid manager. Lol. k, rotted and had dinner after movie and slacked till 8pm and I came home. that dumbdumb ask me find him after work but endup too late he dw me go ): nvm bout that, was actually sleeping alr then suddenly woke up at 3 and replied his message lol. apparently he hasn't slept so we chatted like till just now we went to plaza to slack. lots of stupid things happened, hehe. playing and tickling each other around with jiewei and Leroy. Then left at 11plus. Walked with him till his house lift lobby and felt abit weird, cause its so different now that we walk together in another way. well, at least I got the feeling of him hugging me. xD anyhow call ppl darling one leh. lol, he said if I walked home he wouldn't talk to me anymore. So I took bus lo, then until now he haven't even reply. cfm is smoke until seh alr la he. keep complaining headache just now lol. but nvm, that dumbdumb will reply in the middle of the night one la. Hehe okay shall wait for my little tigger to reply now. K nights! :D oh and happy birthday to my lil asshole brother! ^^

mesmerised.

2011-11-30T03:50:00.000+08:00

Dear you,

thankyou so much for the past few days. it seemed to have gone back to the past where i first got to know you. although its just plain texting, it really brought back much memories. i was really touched when you actually wore what i told you to for spectrum, the shirt when i first met you when we so called slacked tgt.. it was CNY yeah. and also that you actually went to see me? like you said, idk if its real but well i do take whatever you say to heart and i know you're aware of that too anyway. was kinda surprised when you said that you could sense abit of jealousy when wenwere talking about some stuffs.. idk what i'm thinking but it kind of lifts me up.. those days were fantabulous. although its just days of a month and a month of a year. it really took me sixmonths to have the courage to talk to you like that again. though you definitely will not be reading this, but i really hope the relationship between us will get better as times goes by, and i know it will. more than friends, less than lovers. iloveyouboy.

lotsandlotsalove,
ME.

face it, reality.

2011-11-23T10:03:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

出冷汗，胡思乱想，心跳加速，放不下一切。旧的不去，新的不来。

221111
went out at 02 30 hours to meet Chris. he, is my senior and my sister too. he may suck at times, but seriously he's awesome. chit chat with him all way at the void deck under my blk. and got to know alot of things that happened while i went mia. i didn't do it deliberately, sorry. but every time i stop going to find them for a while, loads of unhappy occasions starts to occur. and i get scolded by Chris for not being sister enough to be there when they got into so much troubles. and now, from being in a clique consisting of seven people, it becomes three. sighhs. nvm bout that, then went quite on a little adventure with ahlong, ahbon and chris. got a complete scare from this cat, omg i went crazy. then we went to kimsanleng at around 05 00 hours to have breakfast, chit chat and slacked all the way till 08 30 hours ++ and homed.

texted, and while waiting for the text, i fell asleep unknowingly and had a partially bad dream. yes, you again. when i woke up, realizing that it was only a dream, i made a wrong decision. it kinda bugged me the whole day and i couldn't carry on sleeping any more.. after he slept, i texted cheryl asking her loads of things, i really dk what to do. she couldn't help me much either. the moment i got her reply, not yet opened the text to read, tears rolled down my cheeks all of a sudden. i swear 221111 was the worse nightmare i ever had.

231111
met Chris again at 00 15 hours at the void deck downstairs my blk. chit chat as usual, had a great laugh cause of the 'toto' he won on tuesday. hahah. went over to kimsanleng to pack food and went to 224 void deck to eat. had a puff and went home to bathe first cause i was perspiring idk why. i showered before going down to him some more ley! tsk, nvm then went home to bathe and after bath went out again to find him and carry on chit chatting. went to walk around panjang after that and sat under blk 170 void deck and he said he wanted to see my phone. he take my phone is no good thing one lo i tell you! so, i locked my phone and he couldn't figure out the password. hahaha. but in the end i let him see, then he found out that one thing that i didn't want him to know! >:( semo sister sia he. but, if he didn't find it out i also wouldn't have untied this super tight knot in my heart that was tugging the whole day.. so i told him EVERYTHING that happened. and yes! thanks to his advice, now i think everything's okay alr. from the moment we sat downthere till we left the place the atmosphere kept changing. well, we were playing cause he was disturbing me. zz, after that he saw the thing in my phone then he keeps probbing bout it and.. oh well, at least it's settled now. thankyou dajie! hahah. though shaun, my second sister wasn't there to make us laugh but yea, talking to dajie alone helps too! xD
sent him a long text and 放了一个大口气! walked home at 07 00 hours.
旧的不去，新的不来! << 大姐的话要听! (:
alright, meeting eunice at 11 15 hours later on to got school with her to help people buy spectrum tickets. then when i reach home, i must must have a good sleep. (:

to that someone; i'm sorry i really don't wanna use you. i'm sorry i got your hopes high. well, like he told me too, no point holding to whatever that is not there. sorry that i keep mentioning about him to you. best of luck to you.. (:

hold on to your dreams.

2011-11-21T21:45:00.000+08:00

you hold the key to my heart.

see this girl in the picture up there? yes, i bomb her today cause i slept the whole day. omg, again! what's your problem jovin peh! oky, nvm. texted grace that mirror image of mine to ask if she was going for dna class. so, yea she was.. i went to get ready and off to the busstop. and guess what, i seriously waited for a whole hour for that damn 184 to come and it didn't come so i walked back home instead. dw go church alr. tskkkk. i really wna go for dna class ah! homed and then went over to bangkit with dad and brother to have our dinner. was talking about that rubbish girl. okay, my sister. then ~ making so many plans of when we move house. daddy was talking and planning along with us when he suddenly told us to stop dreaming so much now. we don't even have the money to buy another 4 room-flat apartment let alone say a condominium. so, yea, after eating headed over to shop n save to get our groceries.. and now im homee. haiyaaaaa, just had dinner and im feeling hungry again now. tskk. okok, shall just go grab a bite noww. heheh, byye.

hope you're doing fine with her..

& oh, I feel so loved~

2011-11-20T01:22:00.001+08:00

boy, you make me go wild.

heyeyeyeyyyyy. i'm back from pasir ris park naow. :D and yes, omg i miss 'em. haven't been attending church for three weeks in a row and yea... oh i made a new boyfriend today. hahaha! xD okay i'm just joking. i v tiongxim to... ahem one ok. *coughs. hehehe. :p okcan, shall just stop my aunty-ness somehow. hahaha! k la, i admit k, sometimes i find myself v aunty also. but its okay! nvm, jovin don't cry. cause grace that tissue aunty charge me more ! D: what a mean mirror image i've got. but its ok, imma strong girl nehhh. *shows muscle. ok stop the crap lol.
k so, basically after service we went down to the church carpark and saw that it was raining.... so we waited for quite some time before they organize everyone to the shutter bus so we could get moving to the park! and so, as usual, there were newcomers.... and then i went to be extra friendly ass and made friends with them! heheh, and got to kow a sixteen year old girl and then i feel so..~ nvm, its okay. you're not alone jovin. cause dorcas and grace are in the same boat as you ahahaha. okcan! and so , soon after we got to board the bus! ok i swear the journey there was A to the W to the E .. okay la, awesome k. LOL. was laughing and joking and aunty-ing around making the newcomers and lifegroup members laugh.. then theresa see us also pekcek alr. then i kena piak by her sia! wthell, then that tissue aunty laugh so loud cause i bei da. wlaoooo. nvm! hahaha, we were enjoying ourselves anyw. not cynthia hit me can alr. hehehe. ok then when we reach there, it was like so muddy can! omg, good thing i wore slippers uh! cynthia's tom shoes got like soak in mud?! ok, she can go kiss the rats now. hahahaha. xD thenthenthen, we started the fire after settling down! and i think my lifegroup guys damn fail. all from brigade one all never start fire! then endup theresa the macho woman went to sart then i and dorcas went to helpppp. cause the lighter spoilt after holding there too long and then dorcas to the rescue! and came out with her lighter. then after that me and dorcas went to take afew pictures... shh, while the rest were fellowshipping we sneaked off awhile. actually no la, we didn't even join them cause we were busy starting the fire.. after that nvm, we take alr then started bbq-ing the food. and then blablabla, i rested and ate something. ok lolol. then sun setted so it was night time alr and its darkkk. like duh? hahaha lol ok then we to to pop! ^^ guess you dk what i meant right? its, don't worry i won't tell you what it is ok. then we went ahead and then walked back after that and started camwhoring! :D remember my new boyfriend?! its the guy in white on my right in the picture above ^. he so cute right?! hahaha, he is only eleven years old can! can be my didi alr, cause my didi is eleven too. ok no link haha. and what, he stays at quintet too! omg, so much of a coincidence haha. he looks so korean in real life, thats what dorcas said but i don't really think so. hahaha, nvm about that. pictures ain't up yett. will post them in my next post aites! ;) okieokie, after that we packed up and thats it. took the bus back to cck instead of bp .. hehe, and went popping with dorcas again then slacked abit at mac till her mum went to fetch her, bus-ed home after that. ok shall end here, there's work later on and i'm going opposite to buy food with sissy first. and she's omg taking so long -.- hahaha.
OH ! & i didn't see my daddy luke today ! which is so sadd. D: hahah okkk.
shall really stop here naow. muackss readers. ^^V

sometimes i really wonder, am i too good or too bad for you? :/

love has got it's way.

2011-11-18T03:35:00.003+08:00

Hmm.. I bet he's happy now, i bet his life is easier, much much. i told you, I'll be fine. probably it still hurts, but i know, one day, I'll heal. I've had a change of heart but it takes time before i learn how to love someone again. we've both changed. everybody change. but to change for the better, that, that takes time. Omg, please jovin, pls don't lose hope. keep the faith!! It's so hard to trust someone again after the trust had been crippled. after all the heartaches, the lies or etc. Never been easy. I wish someone can save me or i have amnesia or something just to forget the pasts, because every now & then, they still haunt me. But not as bad as before.. right now, i just feel better because i'm thinking of all the good times only. they hurt , still, but what to do? they're just memories.

that someone used to be my dream, then, he became my reality. but now? prolly he'll just be a memory. he has someone new & i won't be a killerjoy to come back to him. not anymore maybe. It's all up to sincere heart, idw be left hanging again, idw to feel like "jovin, you're not special that's why people give up on you just like that." howell. still have alot to learn about happiness, life & love. the world doesn't end here. ok la, sometimes i still wonder if he still think bout me or what we're gna be.. are we gna end up together in the end? or is he like missing me or what? ah but crap. pointless isn't it? there's no point thinking bout all these when you know it's not worth your time, 'cus he won't feel the same anymore.howell anyway, i still feel blessed 'cas we're friends. so yeh.

it's heartwarming to know that you still kept that tigger i gave you, that you still sometimes hug it to sleep.. at least you remember what we used to be. you never actually know how happy i was when you talked to me after you ended off with her.. you never know how fast and instantly my heart pounds everytime i see or walk past you. you never know how much hopes you gave me everytime you start talking to me. it doesn't matter if it's just a short convo. what really matters most is that i actually crossed your mind for a moment.

too much of yesterday.

2011-11-17T22:39:00.002+08:00

don't sit around and try to change your past when you have your entire future to look forward to.

"yesterday remains yesterday. stop bothering bout' what's gone, it will never be back."

oh life's getting more and more bitchy now.. well, why get so fked up over things now, I'm to blame for making wrong decisions, and regretting after every single thing. but, what's the point of regretting when that was what i wanted at that point of time? yea, stupidity has filled my cup to its brim, now I can't fool myself by pouring it away. alright, spectrum is next saturday and I haven't gotten ready at all! yes, my ticket is with me alr. but my dress isn't): gotta go get it soon. suppose to be going jb later on.. but mummy says its too last minute so we're going next week instead. daddy's flying off again later on.. hmm :/ fedup much over everything. and here i am at 03 05 hours not yet sleeping. daydreaming of having good awesome luxurious life...
okay, it's time to wake up and get things going even if I've screwed this year up. I'm sogna make next year a year that's worthwhile. since there're so many of my friends that look up so much to me, I must not disappoint them!

sometimes, i wonder how i actually lived without you for this six months. and yes, today's the seventeenth. i've officially known you for eleven months. (:

ireallymissyouuuu. ~

saw my love

2011-11-16T01:23:00.002+08:00

you make me go like a merry-go-round.

have you ever love and lost somebody, wish that there was a chance to say i'm sorry.

memories flashed back and i realised it was just a dream~
ok hi. was supposed to go lifegroup at sam's place today but yea, as usual, i was lazy to go and skipped it.. oh what a bitch me. ugh. anyway, was rotting at home and received a text from rosemae that she would meet me at bangkit soon. at first i went -huh? whatever for?- but i replied -okay! :)- a minutes i thought i was crazy but i remembered that i had to go get my spectrum ticket from her. and then while otw there i thought, woundn't we be meeting tmr since there's volleyball? LOL. okay nvm since i was walking there alr. heheh3. packed food home otw and yep. FOOD! then my grandmother started to cook -_- okcan. at around 830 dad came home and said he wanted to bring us to mac for dinner. so yay! maccccc! ok fats. but nvm! ^^ hahaha, got ready and went ahead. the moment i walked into mac, oh i saw my luv~ heheh3 ♥.♥ went crazy from then on. ate and yea, first time joked with daddy so much! yeay. after eating, went to et our ice-cream and headed to get my lipbalm and home! homed and started to rot all over again. ~ okiecan. house blackout at 23 53 hours to 00 00 hours. and it was so freaking hot can. bathed afterwards cause i couldn't stand the hotness and watched onthefringe2 again. and ate a little. here i am updating this nubby bloggie now.

while the memories flashed back, i could think of all the funny scenes that happened. i still remember when you were trying to give me a love bite on my hand and your gum bleed or smt. then when you looked up and we both saw that my hand was bleeding, i laughed about how shocked we were for nothing. HAHA, funny you. now, how do i accept the fact that you're gone? every time i see another girl that post on your wall or become friends with you on fb it's like i just gulped down a whole new bottle of vinegar. and now, idk how many bottles i've gupled down alr. :/ it's hard to accept him now at this juncture you know. now that you're single, my hopes are all high. hm, i know you kinda wish to have him as your meifu? but really, i hope you see this, i'd rather patch with you than e with him and at the same time, i don't wish to use him to forget you and play with him... istillloveyouboy.

Lost.

2011-11-12T16:37:00.001+08:00

in a lost world of fantasies.

"i used to have a seat next to you. now, i've to look around for an empty one."

if only that space there was left for me.
okok stop all this nonsense from me now haha.
and so..... yesterday was 111111! and howell, like i actually give a damn about it like that? LOL. hmm, nothing actually, i spent the whole afternoon at eunice's house with syafiq and hairudin. hairudin's one funny guy! was laughing the whole time thanks to his cuteness and nonsense. hahaha. eunice used my laptop to watch newmoon while syafiq tried curling my hair with his curler. but cause he was tired and hairudin wanted to try curling as he was bored, he did for me instead. and i swear he's crazy! LOL. okay, then we left after the show ended and went over to bangkit market with syafqi and hairudin to get some bite cause we were like damn hungryyy can! haha, laughing the whole way there and sent syafiq till the lrt there and walked home with hairudin. home-d and rotted all the way~

and so today i woke up at 14 30 hours! omg, so late! ok nothing to be surprised of lol i wake up at that time everyday. LOLOL. had lunch and like rotted, now here i am updating this nubnub bloggie. and just received a call from dorcas now i'm gna go get ready to go cck alr. muahahaha, gna see what she has for huhu today. everytime meet her got different brand one. HAHA. okayokay, gtg! <3 you readers. MUACKZZZZ.

so yesterday.

2011-11-10T23:15:00.000+08:00

smile like how you did yesterday.

"do you still remember the history of us?
I'd watch you like a movie and sing you like a song, read you like a story if it takes me all night long."

091111
woke up early in the morning to go for volleyball. >-< volleyball wasn't that tiring actually. lucky i reached on time, cause the rest were late and had to run 10 runs. haha. :p intended to watch 23:59 at town with kelly. but instead she bought me an air ticket to go somewhere else. ): nvm bout that, i rotted at home. hehe, ate a little and went to slept. woke up at 5plus. an played temple run all the way till 11pm+ 12am. texted jw and ended up chatting over the phone. hehe, miss his voice! from 00 19 hours to 01 30 hours we were joking, talking nonsensical stuff and reminiscing our old times. hahas (: haven't been talking on the phone like that with him for v long alr. and, that feeling comes back. awwh<3101111
woke up at 11am and chiong all the way then went to lot and meet my siaoeh and giant for movieee. 23:59 finally! :D wasn't that scary and some parts were funny. haha, awesome show, highly recommended! ^-^
after movie, we went to meet the rest as we were suppose to go for class outing at east coast park. after we reached siglap, we were like 'LOST'. ahhhh D: nvm then we went to macdonald's for our late lunch and had quite some fun time bonding together :D
bus-ed back to bedok after that and trained back to cck. wanted to go kbox but most of them didn't have money so 'X'. nope, we headed for neoprints instead cause its been a longlonglong time since we last took. HAHA. :D went in three times, and oh-so-awesome were the pictures. ~ :D totally awesome time bonded with cheryl and xiaoyi. haha, MAJOR LOSER <3:D

regrets and hatreds.

2011-11-08T02:03:00.000+08:00

the thought of you makes me go crazier and crazier.

hi i'm backkk. and i swear i love ytd! hahaha, its passed twelve ! :p okokay, basically i went town with syafiq and eunice today. YAY. shopping! finally with a guy, haha. xD so, we met at twelve noon and bused down.

fareastplaza > cineleisure > H&M > 313 somerset > ion orchard > 313 somerset > cathay > bugis street > iluma> bugis junction > bugis street > HOME !

okay, only bought a shirt so i went to bugis after dinner with syafiq while eunice headed home and looked many times at a few shops and got the one shirt and a pair of shoes! yay. at least got afew things? and though not really contented but yup it was a good one. :))

oh gosh, whats wrong with me. choosing shopping and spending money over God? i seriously needa change. i'm not suppose to be like that. argh ):

Fallen.

2011-11-07T01:42:00.000+08:00

but You love me anyway.

why am I neglecting God over everything now? isn't God supposed to be my priority? I feel like just cooping myself at home everyday to just think through. I feel 100% sinful. but Father, will I never deny you in front of my friends.

okay, just got home today after long night at dorcas' house. :D and yea, because it was harirayahaji, her mum parents brought all of us to sakura to eat. yayness. that will be my dinner? haha, yep indeed. was watching xiaxue's, dawnyang's and stevenlim's video. and i swear stevenlim is damn thick skinned can. and stupid. argh, so many dislikes on his videos alr still make so many and disgrace himself. -.- okaycan.and now i'm home watching budget barbie's past episodes. hehe. going to meet syafiq and eunice later on at 12 to go town !! yay. haha. the last time i went shopping was like last month. LOL. and i never really bought anything. okay, maybe have but like don't have anything else that is nice other than at f21. yea, so.. ya town later. haha. ^^

i think i can wake up right, ok yes i can. must have faith also. hahaa. :p

okay, ytd was the sixth.. nvm. okay shall end here.

i think and i'm sure i will clear you off my mind one day. and yes she's gna die down one day and leave you. i'm v sure. happylostsixmonths.

let go, let God.

2011-11-04T16:14:00.001+08:00

smile, so no one can see your flaws.

Hi oh I'm backk fort eh second time today! yes, indeed.
gna type out a short lil' post before heading out to Theresa's place for discipleship.
so, I managed to catch a little nap just now and realise I got nothing else o do after I woke up. But because I've received many spam calls so I couldn't get back to sleep. tskk. okcan. so, I decided to flip my laptop out and do some typing as my fingers need some exercise. aha. xD apparently, as stated in my previous post I was suppose to go to school and collect my report book but dad left early today. ahdamn, nvm. also was I suppose to go to Eunice's house to do some dumbdumb stuffs too, but its postponed to next mondayy. hmm. okay I got the urge to shop, really! though I just shopped like last month... haha but it's okay! gah, just received a call from Grace and now she's at cck alr. gotta go out soon! <; randomness; I NEED A DIARY SOON! heheee, stay tuned to my blog songs! kkbyee lovelies.

imperfectionist

2011-11-04T06:16:00.000+08:00

when can my smile be as wide as before?

it's 06 04 hours now, still can't get to sleep. and brother just got up to prepare for school.

haven't been blogging for quite awhile.. life isn't as smooth, did a little changes to my twitter and blogg. (:

always have this tugging feeling in my heart, somehow physically too. /: I wonder if everything's all right. got this bad feeling, argh nvm. life has ups and downs, just have to live with it.. (:

emotions have been taking over me nowadays, been spamming twitter with both negative and positive thoughts. i've been tied down with food nowadays too. can only think of food and sleep this start of holidays. lazy to go for training. but oh well, i have to. skipped wednesday's as i had slight fever due to headache. and there isn't any today. and the schedule is totally no break all the way to december one can! ahh, gotta get the hang of it. this will last me for the next 4 years still. going to school later on to get my report book as daddy is gna fly again today at 12noon. really, when will he ever be really at home! no mother to accompany me now father is so called gone too. deprivedchild98 is me seriously. after going to school later, will be heading over to eunice's house together with syafeeq to do dumbdumb stuff. :D okokay, enough now. shall end here.

everything's gone.

2011-10-15T05:02:00.001+08:00

i bet you'll never remember the things i'll never forget.

i still remember when i gave you everything that i had to offer and you threw them all away. i still remember when you broke my heart and you didn't give a fuck. remember the time when you said that you'll never leave me. you said that you'll always be there for me, but then you fucked off. you fooled me into believing that you loved me. remember? well, i remember. and it hurts.

it's time to face the truth that i can never be with you.

i'm willing to do anything just to have you back. njw, i'm not giving up, i'll continue waiting. because, miracles do happen.

what a fool.

2011-10-11T11:13:00.000+08:00

heartless, I too have feelings.

i really love you, but you love someone else. when i see you, i can't to close my eyes. i just want you to say how much you care about me, but you love someone else. i just want to hear you say 'i love you' out of your mouth. i hear it in my mind, it's just like a sound. but it's just a dream because you love someone else...

sometimes i really wonder, if people only learnt to appreciate and treasure things after they lose what they've got.. then i died one day, and you learnt about it, knowing that i actually died for you, how'd you feel? what will you do? how will you think of me then?

talk to me, think of me, ask me out.

2011-10-10T15:28:00.000+08:00

I don't want someone like you, instead, I want you.

I remember the corner.
The corner of your colour, the corner of your smile. The corner where we kissed.
The street corners turning into the corners of the corridor.
Into the corners of the room where we lay.
The corners of your mouth, of your eyes.
The corners of words we didn't finish.
The corner of your name.
On the corner where we parted.
I remember the corner..

always wished for you to talk to me, to ask me out, to think of me..
every tear has it's own meaning, just like every smile has it's own pretending.
perhaps, thinking of it makes me happy. imagining scenarios of us together, makes me smile for a moment. but in reality, i'd be crying hard.
i hate the fact that for now, you broke my heart and the only person that can put them back to it's original is only you. I get sleepless night because you run up to my mind every night..
we used to be so close, now we don't even smile nor say hi to each other. everybody else gets the best of you, some gets the rest of you, i get nothing from you. i've always tried fighting to let you go, sometimes i do leave you out, but most of the times my nights are never ending..
ha, i really never have missed somebody as much as i missed you.
i love you, boy. i really do.

we all have secrets.

2011-10-05T16:27:00.001+08:00

when i look at you, my heart beats faster..

when my world is falling apart, when there is no light to break up the dark, that's when i look at you.

when the waves are flooding the shore, and I can't find my way home any more, that's when i look at you.
you appear just like a dream to me, just like a kaleidoscope colours that cover me, all I need every breath that I breathe. I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you when I cry, and the days feel like years when I'm alone. when you walk away, I count the steps that you take. do you see how much I need you right now? when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you, the face I came to know is missing too. when you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and makes it okay, is gone too. I've never felt this way before everything I do reminds me of you. all I ever wanted was for you to know everything I do I give my heart and soul. I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me.

I remember it clearly, the day that you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same. I wish that i could see you again, I know that I can't. now you're gone, there you go, going to somewhere I can't bring you back, to somewhere you're not coming back.

I can be tough, I can be strong. but when with you, its not like that at all. I remember all those crazy things you said, you left them running through my head. you were everywhere, always there. but right now, I wish you were here. all those crazy things we did, don't think about it, it just went with it. I love the way you are, it's who I am, don't have to try hard. I just want to let you know, I will never want to let go.

what makes you different, makes you beautiful.

2011-09-30T23:10:00.001+08:00

I wonder if you know it still hurts.

life's a bitch. it haven't been well. I want the life I used to have now.. )':

I miss the night life I used to have with you. I miss telling you ALL my problems. I miss being in your arms. I miss you wiping away my tears for me. I miss you always being there for me when I needed you. I miss your sweet talks. I miss every single thing about you. why did you have to make me fall so deeply in love with you and let go. I never look at guys the same way any more. today marks the last day i will ever see you pass by my class. i can remember myself waiting for 11am everyday at my seat for your arrival. its when i look right at you into your shining eyes. there goes my heart beating faster and faster and yet i have to pretend like i never saw you. and yes, i cried. i cried so much after recess. my eyes were in pain, tears gushing out of my eyes. but i never did want you to see at all. looking at the backview of yours walking away made my heart shatters. i long to talk to you so much. there is just so much things i wish to tell you. it feels like it. but idk what have i got to say. iloveyou; 06042011'2339.

only happy thing about today is i met yihui! yay :D other than that, week haven't been good. couldn't pay much attention to any lessons accept for history and literature. the most unexpected lessons. i'm starting to get more and more abnormal. was pissed by some people and that made my week -ohsospoiled-. -.- alright, shall end here now and go to sleep~

i miss your hugs.

2011-09-25T22:30:00.002+08:00

you said 'move on', where do I go?

after awhile you look back on the past and realize how much you've changed, how many people have come and passed you by. you realised how many people have actually made you truly happy and who have betrayed you, who left you for someone better, who you left for someone greater. sometimes i wished memories didn't exist, but then again, memories make happy to think about it.. every now and then, i still wish on 00:00 instead of 11:11, then i start to wonder why. so many friends were there for me when you weren't, i went through so much without you, yet i can't help just a touch of nostalgia whenever i see you.

每个人都是这样, 失去了爱的人才学会珍惜. 他们都说你不值得, 说我应该放弃. 他们不知道你对我多重要. 有时候我真的很想念在你怀里的感觉. 没有你真的好孤单, 但是后悔也太迟了.即使我多想念你, 多不舍得, 你也不会回来的...

positivity.

2011-09-18T15:50:00.000+08:00

bringing the best out of everything.

hehaho, had quite a great weekend this week. but haven't studied that much. :/ and today's quite boring.

just gonna update bout my weekends and perhaps get on with studying. ><

Friday was a blast. schooled and was getting on crazy, haha xD had been identified by form teacher then gotta go for mrstevenkoh's talk about our grades at the last period. :/ I got shot like, really. and so headed back to classroom after that and got our valuables and went off to canteen for our lunch. back to classroom again and there starts our 'english lesson' for the day. had to finish off our past assignments which we owed. finished off and waited for the rest while joking around and stuff. left at about 1745 and home-d. bathed and was kinda slacking, and yihui said that she wanted KOI. nobody was free so I went with her. met her on the bus and off to clementi! was talking and exchanging stories, chit chat alot. haha. we actually forgot to take our KOI. laughs, so went off to take and went to hawker centre to have our dinner. after eating, spent quite some time talking and killing time. then went to mall to look for tigger. sadly, there wasn't any to be found. :/ so gave up. went to wait for bus, talktalktalktalk and home. xD

Saturday, met grace and cennic and was late for church again. pfft, alwaysss.~ service was kinda boring. ;X

lifegroup was next. I was so noisy. hehe, samuel gave me his subway cookie! hiakhiakhiak, secretly, actually is openly ate in front of the camera. oops. :P went for dinner after that, back to church and played some cutecute games then left at 8, cause we kena kan. tsk. instead of going straight home, took 67 to cck with the others and had icecream with pamela and grace there. home-d after that and caught my 'sunny girl'. during advertisement sneak out awhile to .. okay donee. xD

boring stuff I've done. ._. nvm, shall study after I eat my chicken rice noww.

it sucks when you miss that person so much that you look through old photos, old text messages, even old statuses. and it brings a smile to your face, but the the hurt comes back and you know you shouldn't be looking back, but you can't help it because they really meant something to you and you though it would have lasted.

just smile.

2011-09-15T22:41:00.001+08:00

smile, even if the world gives you a million reasons to frown.

yay, today is simply A to the W to the E to the S to the O to the M to the E. AWESOME. haha ^-^
woke up at 6.30 although my alarm rang at 6.15 >< hehe, went to washup and packed my bag. and, went to wear my shoe. left home quite late and so I was late to meet the rest. well, I'm always late ;pp.
instead of the whole group waiting for me, only cheryl and joelin waited. ahmy, so guilty. >< reached bangkit and saw yihui, was like 'is she looking?' and thought she wasn't so I didn't say hi. oh gosh, and my thoughts deceived me. she did see me. ._. well, then nvm. walked to school after that and met the rest and went to class. took pledge and blablabla. project work and history was before recess. had a great time laughing towards the end of history lesson as mroday joked within me, elicia, weijie, jiajun and yuva. LOL. was in high spirits today, off to recess after that. ahhh~ first thing I knew was that 4E5N was taking their break too! walked to our usual seats, and it was taken by the uppersec. oh damn, we've got no place to sit! D: but, nvm. I didn't eat anyw. hehe, saw clarie and gave her a scare. her reaction was jitao "fuckyou!" HAHAHA, epic. then walked over to where the malaygirls sat. they sat at the table beside him! ;O but of course, I didn't sit with them then. ;pp me and cheryl wandered around the canteen walking here and there making a great nuisance. oops, the uppersec was doing last minute revision ley! omgosh, feel so bad. haha. after that, walked back to class. created another great nuisance. ohgosh, i was even more hyper after I saw him! :P haha, next was geog. kind of boring, but still interesting. ^^ english was next, the whole class bully cher again. trololol. maths was next, relief tcher came in and went through our assignments. then was supposed to be assembly next, but students had to update particulars so, stayed in class. and mrsnuriman gave us a timetable for after school on how we should plan our time on study. but, I doubt I'll follow it. :/ nvm then~ after school cheryl went home with me waited for me while i bathed and stuff. got ready and went to lot for lunch. ajisen! how long have I not been there since before the hols?! hahaha. after that went to slack and bus-ed home with her while waiting for dorcas to arrive. and I was late again. what's wrong with me seriously. LOL. she went to smoke and blablabla. ate and went to public nuisance around in lot. as usual, the two of us. hahaha. she bus-ed home with me and smoked another stick outside my house.. then she went to wait for the bus back to boonlay while I went to bangkit and meet yihui to go pasarmalam with her. ^^ chit-chat outside her tuition centre while waiting for time to pass~ then since her tuition wasn't there yet, she went to wait for the bus with me, and off for tuition. first time meet senior for the first time talk so much alr, sho awesome. when I first met jan, eunice, clarie, shihui.. I didn't talk much to them. but well, personality and character same. nvm la! this is called sociable alright. hahahaa. happygirl98 is me ^-^

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. you make me happy, when skies are grey. you never know dear, how much i love you. please don't take, my sunshine away. :D

changed.

2011-09-14T15:57:00.000+08:00

a girl takes her ex as a biggest mistake in their lives. what about guys?

I don't understand how you can smile all day but cry yourself to sleep at night. how pictures never change but the people in them do. how you best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. how forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get them back. how you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. how even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. how the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time too much to spare. how people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. how people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out.

you change like you just went in and out of the room. nobody can ever understand you now.
I may have said I think things way differently now. I may have said that I've kind of put you down. but still constantly asking myself, is that really so that I've kind of put you down? well, I really hope so too you know.you made me fall for you time and time, over and over again. which made me, oh-so-fedup with myself. I don't know why every single time I see you things will turn out differently from what I expected and thought. be myself, be myself. but, still. I stay within myself and I ain't me anymore. If only you knew how much I think about you.

TiAmoTequiero.

2011-09-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

i love you abit more today, tomorrow. and a little bit more each day.

kkay! i'm back from resorts world now! ^-^
spammed many pictures, deleted quite a lot too. cause they were way too too ugly. D:
okay, it's okay. we still got pictures to view at! but, some aren't uploaded yet. :O
basically, all i did ytd was just stare at the comp the whole freaky day. then went to sleep at 3am. cause i couldn't sleep. ><
woke up at 11 and went to get ready to go to church and meet my mum and the bus shuttle us to a restaurant at bukit merah and we had our lunch. here comes the pictures while waiting to be seated.

okay, the rice there is not fully cooked. they served the food way too fast. and their plain water is warm nearly hot and not normal or cold. what a weird restaurant. but still, had our fill. and off to mount faber to tour on the cable carrr! yayy. and here we gooo.

yep. ofcourse there was a picture taken for us there. but it was too expensive. so forget about buying. then we left for underwater worldd at sentosa~

resorts world was next! yay. took a group picture in front of the universal globe then went to wander around the place and snapped some pictures too! sadly, the pictures taken are in mum's camera. she hasn't uploaded them yet. so readers, be patient! haha. went in to candylicious after that and mum got me lollipops. yippee. my babys. ^^ went off to bukit batok after that and had KFC for dinner. sadly, when i reached home. was coughing like an old and suddenly vomited all my chicken out! D; been coughing the past one hour. saddie. ):
anyway. shall end here. hehe, byeee!

meaningless.

2011-09-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

down with slight fever, FLU and as usual, cough.

my holidays are like so boring, argh. yes, but I got to know a senior of mine. okay, she's gonna see this, but I don't care. cause she's just so AWESOME, okay I'm not boot licking. :O

to her;

hii lovely YiHui! thanks for spending the time texting with me the past two days, really appreciated. you're real awesome. teehees. thanks for the care and concern too! great entertainer, although you took it as I was entertaining you. haha. yep, and thanks for your bigbig ear! ^-^ if it wasn't for you, I might still be drowned in sorrows. xD haha. don't always oversleep and skip holiday classes kay! don't because of laziness then endup starving yourself also. and alwaysalways remember, DRINK WATER! >:) take care of yourself okays! haha, all the best for your 'O's ! after 'O's you can sleep all you want and be a great pig. muahahahas. :P anyway hope to get to talk to you in real life more often too! :D loveloveyou! <3

your junior, jovin. ^^

haha, and just two days of messaging and spending most of the time texting with her. I found out that although we're of different horoscopes, our personalities are almost the same! cool or what. hahaha. xD

kkay, back to topic.

monday, wednesday and friday had tournament.

well, all lost. I kept thinking it's my fault, my fault. but what to do? I didn't really put in my best effort, so point harping on it. just gottaa train so hard for next year's then.

talking about tournament, after friday's game, mrdesmond came to talk to me. and of all people, me. cause he said he saw the potential in me. okay, maybe he's exaggerating or trying to cheer me up or what, i don't know. well, cause he used to play the same role as me in volleyball too. maybe so, he knows how i feel about losing the match as he saw how i played in the game too. while he was talking, so many things he said, totally shot me. shot me so hard that i teared unknowingly. and awesomely, as a lot of people might not like in a good way, I thought he was different. the second teacher I thought was understanding, and the first was mrroszaimy. they're like of the same kind. haha. yep, thanks anyway mrdesmond! i'd try my best and go back to school maybe everyday to train during the holidays! :)

alright, thenn..

monday after tournament went to jolynn's house to study with grace. ^^

okay, the only time I studied this whole week.

tuesday went to town with eunice as she wanted the baggu bag, but sadly, they ran out of stock.

went over to fourskin and found out that they had a imitation! the exact same, with different colours. although it isn't baggu, at least they've got the branded fourskin tag. LOL. but still, didn't buy it. as we walked, eunice's shoe spoilt. so she went to buy a new pair of cheap slippers which suit alot to her romper that she was wearing. haha. went ahead to 313 and bought yamiyoghurt. ate along the way, went in to mango, cottonon. blablabla. went to clarke quay at about 3plus 4 and she got her stickys after that. slacked around and rushed off to cck to have discipleship with theresa and grace. damn, again. I was late. bus-ed homed after that.

wednesday after tournament went to the movies with jolynn and grace! smurftastic show. haha ^^v

thursday was suppose to go on a shopping spree with jolynn and grace again. but ended up I didn't go. cause i don't want to elaborate much. it just pisses me off coming to think of it. argh. anyway, after that, went swimming with younger sis at dad's office there.. went in to the pool and started sneezing and so half an hour later, I went to bathe leaving meimei alone playing with the waterr~ I didn't shower straightaway, instead went to spa. went for the hot jacuzzi and ended up falling asleep there, so comfortable. hehe. then went to bathe, and still didn't want to leave the restroom as there was aircon. I slept in the idon'tknowwhat'sthatcalled for one hour. and then meimei came in to bathe. soon after, went to dad's office to look for him. had subway for lunch. yumms. headed home, and went for dinner after that. my nose was killing me alr. and home again.

friday after tournament headed home, bathed and went fro lunch with dad and younger sis. then home again. waited for time to past before leaving for yewtee to xuan's. after I reached at xuan's, we waited for jolynn and grace by talking about the match as xuan asked. so then, headed in to her room and watched my fair lady abit. soon after jolynn reached, we went to yewtee to get waffles and we were craving for it. they went to swim after grace has reached. while I slept there waiting for them at the poolside. waited for jolynn to bathe finish till 7.15 then went for dinner with xuan and grace while jolynn went home. xuan's kind and loving mummy sent me home after that. went to look for eunice and chit-chatted awhile soon after I got home. then home again. haha.

yup, kind of boringgg.~ and i skipped church today. fell so sick and am lazy to go. so here i am ending this post for now. byeee :)

I wonder if it helps ..

2011-09-10T01:09:00.005+08:00

always faking a smile for everyone else and not causing others to worry for me is somewhat tiring, and I really really had enough of it. I want to be myself!
retarded, bitchy, crazy, out of mind. that isn't what I was like before. I guess you have changed me to a complete different person.
the way I think now is of course again, really different from how I used tot think. maybe it's in a good way. but, that shouldn't be it.

Life always has its ups and downs. whichever you may prefer, its always either up or down and not left or right. I don't know why, but my mood always changes. I don't know what's the cause of it, but I just hope it isn't cause of you. I just hope I forget about you. totally.

People always tell me it's time to let go, it's time to forget about you. like duh, of course I wish I could. but, there are always but(s). how can I possibly forget about my past when I thought my past could be my future? I always think that you're beside me every where I go ever since you left me. but you never once were. every time I go out with guys, I just hope I would see you somewhere, so that you'll be jealous. but that never ever happens. to make you think that I have forgotten about you, I dare not go the places we've used to always go. I dare not go to your workplace in case you're there working that brings up the awkwardness. every single time I reminisce about our past.. I feel bad, somehow guilty, unworthy.. and just so wrong.
you fought for me, you gave up your time for me, you're always there when I'm fucked up, you take care of me when I am sick. you did so many things for me, but have I done anything?

You asked for break and patch twice, but still ended up that we didn't last. not even till a month. you once said you were going to prove to him that we could last for more than two years at least, but those were plainly just words..

I'm just gonna leave this place flooded with my tears leaving notes in a bottle saying,

"I've always got your back. when you have no one else to turn to, although it hurts that you keep ignoring me, although you wouldn't care much, I've always always got your back." ♥

you haven't gave me a chance ..

2011-09-07T21:54:00.001+08:00

to prove myself.

my life really hadn't been good all this while. yes, i may laugh and go crazy all day. i guess i could win the best actress award huh?

whatever I said, whatever I did, whatever I longed for, you told me to wait.

I waited and waitedd, till ..

but still, i'm waiting.
you just wouldn't give me a chance. even till now.

just give me another chance to prove myself, will you?</3

so, what do you think?

2011-08-21T23:46:00.005+08:00

Your sisters are like your sweater. They keep you warm with a weird sense of security through all cold weathers. It doesn't have to be Gucci, it doesn't have to be pretty. Even if it's ugly and plain, you adore it all the same. Never take it for granted even if it's seldom wanted. Cus when people sneer and mock at it, you know what a bunch of douches they are.

Your boyfriend is like a pair of old jeans. It makes you comfortable, just not all the time. At some times you want to be different, just it doesn't allow you to. Sometimes you get bored and try on other things but in the end it's always there for you waiting in your wardrobe.

Flirty dresses are like one night stands, they come and go and never say when. They are like Chanel, Prada, D&G, gaining compliments from others for that instance of glee.

Friends are like loosefitting clothes, on days you wear them when you feel nothing but fat. They hide your imperfections, but they aren't the best for you, on days where you wanna flaunt what you have in you.

Your family? They're like your underwear, you wouldn't wear any of the above without them being there. They support in silence, yet you blame them for being a hindrance. They never minded being uncredited. They might not be the trendiest things around, or the newest shit in town, compared to your fancy dresses and tops. But they're always there.

So at the end of the day, it's back to the basics.

Well, so I was wondering ; what is forever? Like what people say, "Friend", "Girlfriend", "Boyfriend", everything has an -END to it, except for "Family". Well are people worth trusting? If yes, then who?

People treasure pride more than friendship, people care for themselves more than anything, is there really such a thing as loyalty? When a guy tells you forever, do you believe in him? I did. And guess where I am now? Nowhere. Every single day spent with something crying out in my heart, threatening to explode anytime. All I can do is hold everything back and pretend everything is fine. Get real, he's never coming back.

Sometime I wish I was 3 years old again. Did I have to worry about secrets? Did I have to worry about friends? Did I have to worry about guys? Did I have to spend every day being paranoid that someone would betray me? No. No. No. No.

Sometimes you just feel like you wanna fuck your life so hard. Afterall, life's a bitch. Isn't it? :)

I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. The one he can't live without.
Does she watch you sleep for a few hours and manage to stay awake? Does she look at you in the movies and smile? Does she tell you she loves you every time?


Does she stay up late just to hear your voice before she goes to bed? Does she love you like I do? Just how much do I miss you? I don't know. I really don't. Every time I think I've forgotten about you, I suddenly remember the times you walked away from me, the times I spent together with you, the times you promised me forever. The times I promised you forever.



Maybe I can't be with you forever, but whenever you need me, I'll be there. How sad is this? Sometimes I wonder if you think of meonce in a while like how I think of you all the time. Maybe never once. Ha ha who was I trying to kid anyway? You've gotten over me long ago, you're just enjoying yourself with her. It breaks my heart but what could I do?

Maybe it took me a little to long to figure out that "Forever is nothing". Maybe it's just part of wishful thinking. I just wished it wasn't. But are you worth it?

Maybe not, maybe yes. Maybe you don't deserve me like what others said. But I do think I deserve you. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you're meant to have her. I shan't bother to give a fuck any more if I could help it. But just what if...


I wish he meant it when he kissed me cause then I could look back and see someone who loved me but I can only go back and see someone who used me.

When all I wanted was just to be wanted.

2011-08-21T01:12:00.003+08:00

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. after that, you learn better. but, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved. a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. that piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. it holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong.

Boy: I broke up with her.

His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.

His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she..

His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

Gave my laugh to all, but smile to one. Gave my cheeks to all, but lips to one. Gave my love to all, but heart to one. Let all love me, but I love one.

2011-08-18T20:49:00.003+08:00

You were everything I was looking for. When I wasn't even looking. Our goodbye just made me think of what I had, and lost... and what I took for granted. I was just an insecure, overprotective, jealous, selfish girlfriend. All because I couldn't afford to lose you. Well, but in the end I still did. Just thanks to myself. Now I'll just do anything for you, to have you back again. But I'm just a part of your past now. All I can do is just wish you happiness, and watch you being happy from the side. I really miss being in your life. Loss has been a part of my life, but it taught me to treasure people around me more. I guess this is just a learning experience for me. I'd thought you'll always be mine, but I was wrong. I wanted to smile, but I forgot how to. I really miss how happy I was with you. And I'm hoping you'd miss me too, but no. I just wished you'll realise how much of me belongs to you. After you left me, the more boys talk to me, the more I realise how much you mean to me, how much you're the only one I want. You're not perfect, but you're the only one I want.

If I could travel back in time, I'd go to a place where I was still yours, and you, still mine. Where the pain wasn't there, where there wasn't any loss. Right now, I'm still trapped in the moment, in the hope that we'll still be able to be together next time. My mind tells me it's impossible, but my heart tells me it is.

I'll be strong, with or without you. I'll be strong, I can do it. I can change. I'll be strong, as you asked me to be. Loved you yesterday, love you today. Always had loved you, and always loving you, njw.♥ I miss you.

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.

Lies that draw a smile, or truth that draws a tear?

2011-08-18T20:32:00.002+08:00

yeah I miss you. I miss us. I miss having you to talk to whenever I wanted. But I know I have to move on, because being there is just pointless.

When what I ever wanted is to be wanted, needed. What I need is to be indispensable to someone. Who I need is someone that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Someone addicted to me.

And that someone was you. Or so I thought. All this 4 months +, I haven't forgotten about you, much less let go of you. Late night staying up thinking about you, reminiscing about the past with you. I was stuck in this hope that we'd be together again. But then again, if we ever get together again, I'll just be someone to love when you've nobody to love. I'm just a replacement for your sadness and loneliness.

Pain makes us stronger. Tears makes us braver. Heartbreak makes wiser.

A thousand words I couldn't speak out loud, the silent cries in my heart. Seeing you with her, all I could do is watch in silence from the sidelines. It's been 4 months, I really really miss you, NJW. ♥

Isn't it ironic that the people we love the most are the cause of all our sadness and misery?

And so I decided, maybe I should start living for myself instead of you. I never forgot you, and I don't think I ever will. Today's the day I'm gna stop holding on to this false hope I'm given myself for the past months. I wanna let go of you. I wna start living my life all for myself. Be happy with 'her', Ng Jie Wei :) Love you always.

I remember how we met, I remember what you said to me. I remembered it all like it was just yesterday. I remembered how you used to ask me to hold your hand as tightly as possible, and when I asked you why, you'd reply "So you wouldn't be able to leave me". I remembered how I used to sit beside you and watch you sleep. I remembered how you used to tease me. I remembered how I'll suddenly catch myself looking at you when you weren't watching. I remembered how you'll always make me laugh when you're sending me home. I remembered how you always tried to calm me down when I was angry. I remembered how you always tried your best to please me when I was really fucked up. I remembered how worried you would get when I didn't answer your texts or calls for even just a while.

We've been together for just less than a month, it seems so short but I don't understand why I'm still not over you. I remembered exactly on the 2nd of April, I met you at the staircase of the block before school. You seemed to have something troubling you but I didn't dare to ask you what. When we left for school, the whole day I tried texting you, you replied with messages all being so cold towards me. You ended up quarelling with me as I guess I wanted too much from you. I thought I'd give you time to cool down before talking to you again. On the other hand, you thought I didn't care. The next day, 3rd April, I didn't went to meet you guys before school as I didn't want the awkwardness there, it turned out to be silent break after that. I didn't believe it myself. All of a sudden I felt that everything was gone. I kept telling myself it was a joke. But I thought it wil just last a few days. I tried texting you and you didn't reply at all. I tried to accept it that you really left...

I don't blame you, I never really did. It's all my fault. I always only wanted you to myself, I always was selfish, I always wanted too much and gave too less, I always didn't dare to give you my all, afraid that when you left, I would be left with nothing. Now, I'm really left with nothing, I want to move on.

You made me promise that I wouldn't leave you, when I told you I wouldn't. You didn't believe me. Up till now, I've kept my promise. But you didn't. It's all my fault, that whole month, I was just an extra burden to you. Life without you is hell of a torture. Everyday just putting on a smile to deceive everyone I'm alright. I want to smile because I deserve to. I want to show the world, I've truly moved on.

I'm sorry. 06042011'2339-03052011'0000. Ng Jie Wei. ♥ Be happy always.

Maybe I'm over you, maybe I've moved on, maybe I've forgotten you, or maybe, just maybe, I'm a perfectly good liar.

trying my very best.

2011-08-18T19:08:00.000+08:00

I think sometimes, you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe you won't care; it's all in my head. Maybe it's better for me to move on and forget. Better play it safe so I don't get hurt, even though everything inside of me wants it to work. Maybe I was just a silly little girl when I walked into this. I built everything on him and let him take all of that away. I broke into the very shattered pieces I never imagined I could be. And now the smile I fell in love with is grinning at my fall. But from that moment on - I turned into the strongest, smartest, and most helpful girl I ever knew or thought i could be.

coming to think of it, its' kinda bullshit.
ha, ha. double ha. commontest's over. but, there's still eye that's yet to come. and there are still more till Ns and Os. :/
well, gotta get the hang of it. didn't school today as i kinda overslept due to my damn headache -.-
like AGAIN. yea, i've had enough of it. but still, it still comes despite the medicines and stuffs. pfft. anyw, school tmr and have to collate everyone's shirt sizes. and collect money for class tee. argh, sucha a busy me. thanks to that chariman of mine, not doing anyt. ohwell, he suck. let's just hope he wouldn't be my chairman next year! ;prays.
bleh, shall just stop hereee i guess. i'm just getting bored of this. hehe, byebye.

Life like this.

2011-08-17T00:18:00.000+08:00

Take a chance and never let go. Risk everything, lose nothing. Don’t worry about anything anymore. Cry in the rain and speak out loud. Say what you want and love who you desire. Be yourself and not what others want to see. Never blame anyone else if you get hurt because you took the risk and decided who was worth the while.

Hi, I'm back on blogger! (:
so how's life people? well, it haven't been good lately. i thought things would have turned out different.
NDP'11 has ruined my year, my life. okay, not that exaggerating. but, yea. i've regretted much making wrong decisions and not think before i did anyt. :/ but well, gotta get over it then.

andd, yup. common test is still on-going. in the midst of it. but, ending in two days time, with just 3 more papers! happgirl98. ^-^ awesome time spent with friends everywhere studying. gotta have my break soon! :D been quite fedup with classmates this few days. hope 'wars' are down soon. then i'll be yay and back to normal in school. i spent most of my time sleeping after finshing the paper and not checking! i guess physics paper would be screwed! cause i've focused more on chemistry and maths instead of physics. ): well, gotta mug real hard and not screw history this thursday then! let's hope literature's alright too. cause there seem to be like nothing to study about. :O

kkay, shall not ruin the first post with too much words. and i alr think it is flooded with much of words. hehe. bye readers. loveyouall. <3 muackk.